WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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