we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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