I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
