Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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