There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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