Yo dont text me then not text me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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