I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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