Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
