Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
