so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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