The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
