come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i came on her dog
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
