Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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