You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
