Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
