i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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