Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
