This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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