that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
