My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
