I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
