i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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