who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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