good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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