New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
