And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
