I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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