Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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