chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
