Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
