the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
