i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
