So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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