I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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