hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i need some magic done to my vagina
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
