There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
