The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
