Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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