I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
