i love accidental penises.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
