Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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