woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
