looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
