I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
