I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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