I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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