Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
why is half of my head shaved?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
