Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
