What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
