also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
