I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
