so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We had sex on a dog bed..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
