Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
