i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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