You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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