Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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