Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
