I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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